How to praise your kids

With the future personalities of their two young children in their hands, Jennifer Bianco and her husband want to make sure the amount of praise they give their kids is just enough so they are confident and secure, but not so much that they turn out to be unbearable egomaniacs. "While I think my kids are brilliant and beautiful, and I want to praise their every move, I do my best to dole it out when it's warranted," says Bianco, of Providence, R.I. "But I admit -- I'd rather her give a little too much than not enough." Recommended Related to Parenting Help Fathers Be Dads By Aviva Patz Your child needs his father as much as he needs you — here's how to make it easy for them to bond. Read the Help Fathers Be Dads article > > Bianco is not alone in her parenting dilemma. A lot of moms and dads these days struggle with finding the right balance when it comes to praising their kids, and answering questions like, how much is too much? How much is too little? Is quantity that important, or is it the quality of praise that really matters? While there's no secret formula, experts explain to WebMD the when, where, and how of praising so parents can use it as an important tool in raising confident kids with a healthy sense of self-esteem. Status Quo of Praise Parents everywhere praise their kids when they do well in school, win a ball game, or build an impressive sandcastle -- anytime their kids do something remarkable, or in many cases, something plain, old vanilla. "We are becoming praise junkies as parents," says Jenn Berman, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy and Confident Kids. "We've gone to the opposite extreme of parents from a few decades ago who tended to be more strict, and now we overpraise our children." By giving kids heaping portions of praise, parents think they're building their children's confidence and sense of self -- when it may be just the opposite. "Somehow parents have come to believe that by praising our kids we improve their self-esteem," says Paul Donahue, PhD, founder and director of Child Development Associates. "Though well- intentioned, putting kids on a pedestal at an early age can actually hinder their growth." Too much praise can backfire, it seems, and when given in a way that's insincere, make kids afraid to try new things or take a risk for fear of not being on the top all the time -- where their parent's praise has put them. "There is something about praising your child constantly that is belittling," says Berman. "There's an underlying message that the child has to get his parent's approval all the time and constantly look to the parent for validation." Still, don't go too far in the other direction -- not giving enough praise can be just as damaging as giving too much. Kids will feel like they're not good enough, or that you don't care, and may see no sense in reaching for their accomplishments. So what is the right amount of praise? Experts say that the quality of praise is more important than the quantity: if praise is sincere and genuine, and focused on the effort, not the outcome, you can give it as often as your child does something that warrants a verbal reward.